SUPER-VILLAIN-BOWL! – TOON SANDWICH

SUPER-VILLAIN-BOWL! – TOON SANDWICH


Arise, Warrior. The battle is about to begin. Who said that? What the! Where are my clothes?? Put on your uniform and enter the Arena. Well I hope you got a
good floating eyeful, buddy, cos you ain’t seeing this
chemical-bleached booty again! Hold it! My uniform has a lot of accessories. Looking less and less like Gotham’s seedy underbelly. Oh great. More pervs! How long have I been asleep? This is a really large wardrobe. This can’t be the real world. It’s too yellow. Are we down the rabbit hole
or through the looking glass? Perhaps we’re over the rainbow. I have so many QUESTIONS!! You are all here for one purpose: To decide, once and f– Why are we listening to this giant gilded gonad when we could be kicking each other’s asses! Villains. AYE!! Should’ve seen that coming. Training has greatly improved since your time. Why do you wear the mask? Enough said! It’s what you can do with it that counts. Someone’s over-compensating. Thank you all so much for attending my seminar: “How To Be More Than Just A One-Time Marvel Villain”. The key concept here is sex appeal, and unfortunately, none of you possess it. I accuse you of being a prick! Ta-ta. How?? I don’t believe this. I paid 75 Deutschmark for this thing –
it’s not even the real Loki! Mein Gott! “Smith” will suffice. I’m making friends wherever I go. “Agent, Agent, Agent, Agent… Agent Smith!” A-ba-ba-ba… Your appearance is lacking a key ingredient. Let’s put a smile on that face! Oh, thank god. I thought you were gonna– TADAA!! Puddin! There’s plenty of puddin’ to go around, Sugar. Ew! Get a load of this Joker! Who am I speaking to? Do you like scary YouTube videos? Heeere’s Johnny! Sorry I’m late. Traffic was a nightmare on Elm Street! You killed my Jason! Don’t forget: we always work in pairs. What the– !! There’s only room for one Dark Lord in this story. Then it won’t be the poster child for
rhinoplasty gone wrong. I see you’ve transferred part of yourself
into another thing. Mind if I steal that idea times seven? Plagiarism! Did someone say “Dark Lord”? I don’t like it so I’m going to take a ring off it! My wife’s gonna kill me! My Precious! It IS Precious! You have good taste, little goblin buddy. It magically resizes to fit the wearer? Shut up. Best bling ever! I hear you like riddles. Don’t go staking my heart. Hasta-la-FREEZE-ta, baby! I’m the most chillin’ villain! Can you stop with the cheesy puns? Don’t you mean FREEZY puns? Guess not. Damn. That’s cold. Hey! Your Fell Beast just fell on my beast. Everything you’ve built… will fall. I don’t like sand. It gets everywhere. Wow. You really suck at sand art. Who is that supposed to be? You? I know what scares you, Davy boy! Calamari? Hey, lady. Help me up. You dirty bird. There’s a pun crying out to be made here
but I’m blanking on it. I couldn’t help notice your suit has no nipples. How do you plan on feeding your young? How do you plan on having any? You know, I came as close as anybody’s ever come to killing the Batman. I shot him… in the chest. Crazy. Go back to the swamp, Shreck. Weren’t you on the good side? Good, bad. I prefer to think of myself as… Grey. I went back in time and stole your mojo. Oh no. Cheers. It’s true what they say. She who lives by the psionic blade… dies by the psionic blade. Avada kedavra! Was that the spell or just nature taking its course? I know what you want. Exactly what you want. Bell, will you be my witch? ‘Sup, witches! Wait’ll they see what I can do with just one glove. I got the power. I got the time. What is happening to me…? I got the mind. Too much information!!! I got the soul. Well. They can’t all be gems. Kali ma! Neat trick. See when I do it, Holy Shiva! it’s fatal. Are you going to eat that? Oh my god oh my god oh my god – it’s HIM!! Be cool, Kylo. Deep breaths. Uh… Gramps? I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m kinda
on the outs with Mom and Dad. Can I move in with you? Welcome to the family. Awesome. KHAN!!! I was waiting for someone else to say it,
but I’m not going to wait all day! There goes wrath, but sloth, gluttony, greed,
lust, pride… You’re the one I’ve been waiting for. Spray it, don’t say it. Hey Bane, are you alright? HEY BANE, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? WAHAAAR!! Die, Scarecrow! Die, Tin Man! What? Die, Cowardly Lion! Now you belong to my army. Here’s your induction form. Sign and initial each page. I need my glasses. Not so hot now, are you Frost? You’re the unfairest of them all! Told you she’s had work done. Don’t be dragon me down just because
my wings are 100% organic. You just brought a weaponised glider to a sword fight! Not again, brah! Off with her hea–! A Bowie knife. I see what you did there! My king! Oh, the bitter irony! I want you to kill all the humans. You got it, boss. El alieno! And then she, uh, leaves, uh, and, uh, says she… doesn’t want to have my baby. I mean, come on, uh… How hard is it to raise a maggot? Oh, SHUT UP!!! I’m crawling out of my skin here! Glad I keep this handy. Hey. Buzz off. Beetle juice, beetle juice, beetle juice! I gotta tell ya. I’m really happy you just said that. I’m gonna stand over here though. I was prom queen myself. They’re all gonna laugh at you! They’re all gonna laugh at you! Hey there, doll. You can have him, honey, but caution: this toy contains small parts. Evil and wriggling. I ship us. Ooh! She’s making me hard. Kids. Am I right? King takes Queen. I’m flattered, Your Highness, but you’re not my type. Fly, my childhood traumatisers! Ape… not… kill… ape. King Kong ain’t got sh– Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape! I’m melting! Melting! Oh, what an alien world! What a world! What a world! Seems ’twas ugly killed the Beast. Why did birds suddenly appear? Are you a god? I’m a Zod. Does that count? Go Force lightning. Choose the form of the Destructor! Nobody think or say anything. Hmmm, I could really use a tripod. The choice is made. Oh no. Typical. Yarrrr, the moon! Did someone say mooooooooon? I don’t know why,
but I gotta real problem with you, buddy. Mmm. I like it on the rocks. I’m going to give you the choice I never had. I’ll take it. Why does this always end in dust? Defeated by common bacteria, my new weapon of choice. Achoo, Steppenwolf! Ah, walk of shame. We’ve all been there, girlfriend. You wanna play rough? OK, let’s play rough. Say hello to my little friend! Mmm, Jurassic pork! – Gojira!
– Gojira!
– Gojira! Wait, what am I doing?! Hanzo makes hats now? Mmm, love me some O-Ren sushi. Jesse, what have I been smoking? What the hell? Say goodnight to the bad guy! Look how they massacred my boy. No more Mr Roboto. Call it. You call it! Dave, my mind is going. Oh. There are so few of us left who haven’t been
converted to the Agent Smith or Enchantress causes. Hands up who’d rather be
an ass-kicking agent in a well-tailored suit than a walking turd with a thousand eyes? Is it too late to switch providers? Traitors! Prepare to be Smith’d. Here’s The Thing… I’m just gonna head on outta here. Ha. Did you think this was the real me? Oh wait it is the real me. Oh for Odin’s sake… Reality check. Why did you say that name? Yoink. Why did you take my spear? DC girls together? I like what you’re selling, lady. There’s just one teeny problem. I’m not from DC. I’m from T2. Why don’t you ever want to be my friend? Oh. This can’t be good. I… am your… mother?? He’s a Skywalker, alright. If you’re going to scream, do it where no one can hear you. Your power is unbeatable. But it wasn’t always. When will you humans learn? Why waste years developing power when you can just… take it. Lesson learned. I should have attached an elbow strap! Best mitt ever and no one to play ball. Bam! Game over. You… cheated. Of course! I’m a bad guy. It’s what we do. Harley Quinn. You… are the Ultimate Villain. I coulda told you that from the start. But that wouldn’t have been as much fun. Boy, it’s a good thing Godzilla didn’t win. Not sure how he’d fit through this six-foot-wide hole. So… A boy from Marvel and a girl from DC. I’m getting a major Romeo-and-Juliet vibe. Do you feel it too? I’m really more into tats than scars. Also, you seem to be lacking in a few key areas. Oh no no no! These grow back into full size, muscular appendages. All five of them. I almost don’t want to interrupt… but I will. Where are you, Psycho Barbie? Who are you, Mister? You’re dying to know, aren’t you? It’s just eating you up from the inside– Dammit! Why did I put that switch there? Wait a second – I know you! You’re an Academy Award. Huh. The Academy Award lives inside a golden globe. It’s true. I have modelled my appearance
on your industry’s greatest honour. “Our industry”? You mean crime? I mean movies. What are you talking about? I’m not in the movies. Although I should be. You are a movie character. No I’m not! I’m a Gotham City Siren! I see what’s going on here. See, she can’t break the fourth wall just yet. We are movie characters. I’m played by a supermodel named Ryan Reynolds, and you’re played by… Wait. You’ve been watching our Earth movies? And I have recreated you all in meticulous detail, to provide entertainment for my subjects. How did you get all these different angles? I don’t recall seeing a spidercam in there. Spider-Man, maybe. It’s not important. Are you saying I’m not the real Harley Quinn? There is no real Harley Quinn. You are the most real she’s ever been. Wait – what? That didn’t happen. It did. In Super-Hero-Bowl 5603. Actually, it happens in almost every one. Oh no. It’s Westworld. You don’t put in this much effort for a once-off. Plus, I sell tickets to these things –
it’s good pocket money. So how many times have I won? This would be your first. What!? And her? Also a first-timer. If you ask me, you both got ridiculously lucky. Oh come on! Who usually wins the Hero Bowl? Doctor Manhattan. We’ve had many insightful
conversations over the years. I don’t know why he left a handful of you
alive this time, instead of blowing you all up like he usually does. That made no sense to me. Why don’t we remember any of this? And how do you repeat a battle when everyone’s dead? I created you. And I have the power to recreate you. You could have done that at any time?? I’ve been a stump for days! I’ve already regenerated the heroes. They’re down there right now. Sitting in their cells. Awaiting that one word that will
wake them from their slumber with no memory of before. You two should get some rest, what with your big showdown tomorrow. So we fight each other to the death,
you regenerate us, and we end up fighting again and again forever? What exactly is our incentive here? Well I can tell you that if you do fight, you won’t experience any more of this. The show must go on. Time to regenerate the villains. To anyone listening: You have a new message from Jean Grey. Please find shocking revelations attached. Arise! Jean. Good heavens! You’d think I’d be accustomed to seeing
blue people by now. What about purple? I take it you both got Miss Grey’s message? This “Oscar” being has abused
the power to create life. He must be stopped. We were created to fight. I say we do so. Glad to see we’re all on the same page. Kurt. Just the mutant. I need you to bring everyone in here. You mean all the heroes? No. I mean, everyone. Hey guys! Deadpool here. Breaking the fourth wall again. You know, I don’t even see a wall. To me it’s a big open window. I just wanted to let you know that this and
every Toon Sandwich is the work of two people. They live in Australia and they have
no connections to anything. If you haven’t already, you can help them
just by hitting subscribe. And if you’re feeling super-generous,
you can even sponsor their channel. Nice fourth wall break! Right? [TYLER DURDEN]
Wow. Fight Club has really
grown beyond what I intended. [TALIA AL GHUL]
It’s not Fight Club, you idiot. It’s a battle royale on an alien world. [RA’S AL GHUL]
Talia! What have I told you about
talking to strange men? [AMY DUNNE]
If you guys don’t shut up, I am gonna
fake my death by your hands. [KEYSER SOZE]
And just like that, she’s Gone Girl.

David Anderson

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