If Disney Princes Were Real

*Triumphant music* -Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a beautiful girl who dreamed of finding her prince. -Alas, real life is no fairy tale. Here’s why Disney princes… -Prince: So, this is love. – Would make terrible boyfriends *swish* Prince: My dad threw this party so I could meet a girl who’s… Girl: Emotionally independant… Prince: Hot, and rich like us Prince: So, will you marry me? Crowd: Awww. Girl: I think I left my straightener on. *Tripping sound* *cameraphone clicks* *Swish* *Chimes* Hey, hey, hey, hey, Hey! Girl: What are you doing? Prince: Oh, thank god I thought you were dead. Girl: Then why would you try to kiss me? Prince: Uh, hold on. Don’t try to change the subject. Who are these seven guys texting you? Girl: Uh, they’re just my roommates. *Chimes* *Dramatic music* *Swish* *girl grunts* Beast: So now that we live together we need to establish a few ground rules. Girl: Actually I’m a little hungry. Beast: You are not allowed to step foot into that side of the house. Especially my room. Ever. It is forbidden. Girl: Okay, does that include the bathroom… Beast: Also, I’m going to need to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times… Beast: Because sometimes I get lonely. Do this and I’ll release your father from my basement. Girl: You kidnapped my dad? Beast: Nailed it! Girl: Who are you talking to? *Chimes* *ocean sounds* *soft flute music* Eric: Uh, excuse me, miss? Have you seen my girlfriend? Girl: Eric, it’s me. Eric: You look familiar. Wait, I follow you on Twitter right? Girl: You don’t remember the crazy lady you stabbed with a boat for me? Eric: I think I know what the love of my life looks like. Girl: Even your dog knows it’s me. Eric: Let me get my dog back. Reina? Where’d you go? *piano music* Naveen: Oooh, sorry babe. Think you can spot me? Girl: Again? Naveen: My parents just cut me off. Girl: No you need to get a job. Naveen: Hahaha! I got a job Naveen: My music. You woke up like that. You woke up like that. Flawless. Girl: You know what? Have fun making love to your mini guitar. Naveen: It’s a Ukelele. Naveen: Can I at least borrow your car to get home. Girl: Take the bus! Naveen: *sings* You’re so fancy. You already know. *Chimes* Girl: Wait, your name is not Ali? *Dramatic music* Aladin: *sings* Prince Ali, no Aladin, yeah that’s me a compulsive liar, someone who plunders. Girl: Uh, why are you singing? Aladin: *Sings* I told you what you wanted to hear to get inside your cave of wonders Girl: My cave of what now? Aladin: The mansion we slept in is one that I crept in, the way I get laid is through deceit. Girl: Who are you people? Aladin: The car that we road in was one that I’d stolen but who needs a ride when you live on the street? Girl: You’re homeless? Aladin: That monkey you swear follows us everywhere is my one and only friend *Monkey howls* *Chimes* *Chinese music* Girl: So yeah, I’ve had the absolute worst luck with dating lately. How about you? Shang: This is a little awkward. I kind of thought you were a dude. Girl: Excuse me? Shang: It’s just from certain angles, and your hair is pulled back in these photos. Girl: I have boobs. Shang: Yeah, sorry. I guess I made a man out of you. Prince: I have been looking everywhere for you. Girl: You know what? I’m done with Disney princes. Being single never bothered me anyway. Narrator: And she lived happily ever after. Prince: Why does this always keep happening to me? Shang: Hey, how you doin’? Beast: Ladies love it when you kidnap their fathers. Beast: I’m gonna build her a library if you know what I mean. And by that I mean I’m actually going to build a library. Girl: Seriously, who are you talking to? Beast: I’m talking to Lumiere! *Mock Disney music*

David Anderson

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