Confessions of a Superhero – Issue #1

Confessions of a Superhero – Issue #1


Oh wait, so does he like… you know… know? Know what?
These two have been out of the closet for years, dumb ass.
Oh yeah Yeah I mean telling my parents that I was super was way easier than telling them I was gay you know the 90s kinda sucked that way I was in my twenties before I ever came out. Pretty much everyone had figured it out before i was even willing to admit it. When I was like five I used to wander around the house singing “I dream a dream” from “Les Miserables” you think i would have figured that out soon. Enough already with less miserables. Ok? Nobody cares that you’re into the French expendables. I still can’t believe you guys convinced me to go see that movie with the San Francisco Gay Men’s Choir. A bunch of grown ass men acting like a bunch of bitches.
Wait, wait wait, what? Oh yeah, dude, they put Gladiator and Wolverine in the same french film. With guns! And all they did the whole time was fuckin’ sing. Ok? By the way, Lindsay made me take her for her birthday. Ok, the shit you do for sex am I right? Okay, okay. No, I mean our thing. You know? Why we’re here playing poker on our night off and the others are out patrolling the streets. Oh, you mean the whole Captain Liberty thing. Yeah, yeah. I mean Blake has to have figured out that we’re superheroes and you’re the leader of the Legion of Valor, right? I mean, he’s your roommate. He’s smart, but he’s not that smart. No. Hey, besides if Professor Payne or some other stupid idiot tried to kidnap him to get to me? Forget about it man. I got enough going on without having to protect his sorry ass. Listen up you little fucker! I wanted that goddamn death ray done 24 fucking hours ago! All you’ve given me are feeble excuses. I have a tank of rabid piranha that love the taste of incompetent henchmen. No don’t give me that. I have a right to yell at you. I sign your paycheck asshole. God bless America for allowing the dickhead boss to be a dickhead to his worthless, useless employee! Fine, okay. I’ll calm down. I’m calm. Totally calm, relaxed. It’s just I’m on a date with a super hot girl and I don’t want to blow it. She thinks I’m taking a piss and gotta get back. Yes, the one that’s Seven of Nine hot that I showed you in the lair. No! I’m not going to give you my OkCupid password so you can take another look. Gross. Also, that thing registers like, every time you take a look. Why would I be looking at her profile when I am with her on a date in the bathroom? Like I magically forgot her favorite cereal was Lucky Charms. No, I didn’t pay 10 dollars a month to browse anonymously. Why should I pay for that? When that’s more than what I pay for Netflix? Yes, she probably has a Facebook account. I am like one of three people without one. Oddly enough, there is a Professor Payne parody account. Creepy James told me about it. Megaclaw, not the Arctic Howler. Megaclaw has this really bad uni-brow when he takes his mask off. I can’t believe you’ve never seen him. Makes him look like he mounts women’s heads on the wall for sport. Speaking of which, make a note: After I’m done with this death ray I plan on ruining John Zinkus. The man behind the parody account. Look! Stop distracting me! I don’t pay you to play online. I pay you to build death rays. Do I need to change the password to the Wi-Fi again? Enough! That death ray needs to be done within the next 24 hours. We are on tight schedule and taking the entire city hostage isn’t something that can be done with a bogus death ray. Not with that asshole Captain Liberty running around with his band of merry douche bags. It’s next to impossible even with a fully functioning death ray, But I didn’t get this because it was gonna be easy. Look, just go to HenchBuilder.com, if you need to hire some temporary help. It’s in the budget. We have some money left over from that bank heist last year that I saved in a side account specifically for unexpected labor needs. Well that’s why do the books and you get an honest 40 every week and medical. Well, if you want Dental, then finish the fucking death ray! I did all the work, just put that bitch together. It’s not that hard. They’re basically IKEA instructions A monkey could do it. We are not hiring any monkeys. Yes, yes, fine I’m going to come by tonight after my date is over to see how the situation has developed. Make sure that you have made some progress by then. They don’t call me Professor Payne for nothing! No, I am not going to discreetly take a picture of her chest and ask her for her cup size just finish the death ray! I’m going back to my date. Goddamn creeper. Donovan warned me, don’t go cheap on henchmen, and did I listen? No…

David Anderson

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