Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt

Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt


Male Speaker: Captain Actual America
is overweight and hopelessly in debt. A weird glitch causes the Amazing Spiderman
to reboot in the middle of the movie. And the Richie Rich comic strip introduces
a new, even gayer character. As if you needed another reason to remain
in your isolated degenerative cocoon this is The Onion weekend review, comics edition.
Sources confirmed Tuesday that the comic book and Sci-Fi Expo Comic Con was once
gain marred by Bully-Con, an increasingly popular event held in the same convention space.
Now in its fifth year Bull-Con reportedly drew more than 125,000 tormenters from across
the nation all of whom were bent on beating up and torturing those attending
the Mini Comic Book, Television, and Movie Panels at Comic-Con.
Marty Badolato: Who got it started? It was just a couple of friends who wanted
to beat the shit out of some Josh Waddy fans but now there are thousands
of us ruined and walking dead panels, taunting Harry Potter nerds and really
making some video gamers’ lives completely miserable. I don’t necessarily need to travel to San
Diego to slap a copy of Spiderman out of some pussy’s hands but there’s something
really special about coming together with people who dig the same sort
of thrill that you do. Male Speaker: Frustrated Superman fans
told reporters Monday that economically healthy and financially stable Daily
Planet newspaper is now the most unrealistic aspect of the comic book’s
universe, acknowledging that enjoying the adventures of a super hero that can fly,
lift cars over his head, and shoot beams of light out his eyes requires
some suspension of disbelief. Long time readers said even the comic’s
most exciting stories are regularly ruined by the implausibility of a thriving
daily newspaper who’s advertising revenue and circulation numbers have not at all been
threatened by a media landscape overtaken by laptops, Smart phones, and aggregation websites. Richard Taft: Look, I can play along
with Superman using his breath to freeze a volcano or clapping his hands together to
cause some sort of sonic boom but seeing images of a thriving Daily Planet newsroom
not facing layoffs or dwindling home subscriptions just really takes
me out of the story. No one in Metropolis realized they could
get news online faster and for free? Male Speaker: Local man Todd Bogen expressed
mild annoyance Friday as he was interrupted by an incoming phone call from
his wife while trying to read a Swamp Thing comic, claiming that
he was “a little busy” Bogen hurried though the conversation with
the woman he loves and is committed to spending his life with to get back to issue
39 of the comic book in which Swamp Thing is decapitated by a humanoid fish monster.
Todd Bogen: Yes, okay, Honey. You know I’m really busy right
now actually so just get whatever, yes, okay, Honey, I’ve really got to go.
Male Speaker: And in this week’s Op-Ed Pages the Green Lantern says his six flags
roller coaster fails to capture the spirit of his heroic adventures.
In other news an area man has always had a soft spot for Puck, the owner of
an independent comic book store is not quite sure how he’s still in business, and the
2012 Marvel Handbook casually reveals that Peter Parker is uncircumcised.
What follows this video could very well be a 10-minute sneak preview of next week’s
The Dark Knight Rising but probably not. For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat.

David Anderson

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99 thoughts on “Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt

  1. Charon Christ says:

    I went to bullycon and it was awesome. I probably served out like a thousand wedgies and whirlies. Good times, can't wait for next years event.

  2. Philip Reisler says:

    Bullie con πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‚

  3. Bell's Theorem says:

    Captain Actual America is also kind of a bigot.

  4. stop linking subreddits on youtube says:

    I wanted to find my old comment from 2015 and edit it to "predict" endgame

  5. Apple User 2 says:

    Captain actual America

  6. magicsinglez says:

    This was pretty funny before I even clicked to watch the video.

  7. biggy cross says:

    LOL reboot in the middle of the movie

  8. Rein Tiberius says:

    Should the bullied get me wet? Cause they do

  9. Mike Lawrence says:

    Lol

  10. Faizan Shamsi says:

    "casually reveals that peter parker is uncircumcised" jesus christ im dead

  11. Gendo ruwo says:

    I thought Onion is a spoof?
    This is REAL

  12. Noel Blake says:

    I hope captain Canada learns from this

  13. Adam says:

    i have genuinely thought about something similar to bully-con when thinking of the attendees of comiccon

  14. mipmipmipmipmip says:

    hah that Daily Planet part 😬

  15. Inquisitor Guy says:

    Weird how we have the most obese people and the most bodybuilders

  16. Joyson Wildhart says:

    lol bullycon

  17. Joyson Wildhart says:

    lmao biff tannen

  18. MichalH says:

    2:47 jk rowling sweats nervously

  19. Josue Bartley72 says:

    So is this where they got the idea for 'Into the Spider Verse?

  20. Chad Daddy says:

    Marvel Phase 4 in a nutshell

  21. K K says:

    Tbh captain America should be fat!!!!!!! One American simply does not know the meaning of fit.

  22. WizaDude says:

    They predicted Thor

  23. Wonderstruck AJ says:

    Now it's Thor

  24. Sonlirain says:

    To be frank daily planet is most likely a hybrid with physical papers and online stories.

  25. Mercenary Mike says:

    What 'Todd' doesn't realize Is his wife is being railed by Chad while on the phone with him… You can see the 'other side' of the conversion on Youporn,, search "Bully con Cucks wife has encounter with Chad while on phone with Hubby"…

  26. Ainsley the meat rubber says:

    Lmao, if only this was Thor instead

  27. Its ASetUp says:

    You forgot captain america is a woman now.

  28. Salty says:

    Yeah, but that was Alan Moore's run on Swamp Thing. She was way out of line to interrupt.

  29. Apoc Sentinel says:

    Accurate representation of America, actually. No one better to represent

  30. Chef Carl Casper says:

    Lol Walking Dead panel. How things have changed.

  31. Charles the dancer says:

    "The owner of an independent comic book store is not quite sure how he's still in business" πŸ˜‚ their delivery is hilarious

  32. Inebriatd says:

    You were close Onion. It was Thor.

  33. The Last Son of Crypto says:

    Omg. It's like Donald Trump became President minus the bigotry.
    Could you imagine if that ever actually happened?

  34. Disgusted Dedede says:

    Wrong avenger but ok

  35. Lithus17 says:

    Next do Black Panther joining the black supremacist group #blacklivesmatter blaming white people for everything his people caused. Maybe do a Jussie Smollet tie in.

  36. Del Seibold says:

    LMAO

  37. Raiders Husky says:

    Endgame was such trash.

  38. chidi says:

    Well captain "america" has only one star on his suit, so technically, he's captain Porte Rico

  39. Todd Hitchens says:

    Satire is great. It needs proper context to work however.

    "BullyCon" is just what they're calling the backlash coming from normal everyday fans having against the new comic movie failures.
    "I'm a woman and I'm about to start bleeding..Hear me roar!!!"

  40. Mister Mups says:

    This was released on my birthday!

  41. rex mundi says:

    Seeing as it is 7 years later, I think it is important to mention that circumcision is an unnatural and unnecessary abomination.

  42. Brian Lin says:

    Google.com

  43. Richard Conner says:

    POOR CAPTAIN,HE WILL NEVER GET PROMOTED TO MAJOR.HIS FAST FOOD ADDICTION HAS OVERTAKEN HIM

  44. Jeremy Main says:

    End the Federal Reserve.

  45. MatchaLatte says:

    This was made 7 years ago? Don’t they think it’s time for an update version?

  46. Dragoner Productions says:

    Just slightly incorrect thor ended up being the fat one.

  47. John Humphries says:

    How about updating for Donald Trump's term? Shouldn't be hard to make jokes out of the shitshow that's going on now

  48. Cesar Salcido says:

    The onion is what happens when you try to be satirical and end up being prophetic.

  49. Howardwayne Roberts says:

    what country is the "onion" from….

  50. pleasured uma says:

    Little do they know gamers are the strongest of all the stereotypes on earth, especially when we get our daily dose of gamer girl bathwater.

  51. Jacob Zondag says:

    1:39 Now that's unbelievable. Sylvester Stallone talking like a normal person. The glasses are a nice touch though.

  52. Lost Aquarian says:

    I was against Bullycon until he said beating up Harry Potter fans.

  53. generic generic says:

    "That's America's fat ass!"

  54. Charlie Dawson says:

    I with these intros would stop making my cry.

  55. I Want Lee says:

    0:42 wouldn't bully that. I'd hit that. Hard, and multiple times, until my penis fell off.

  56. NoNameM9 cant put the quote marks rip says:

    oct 12 2019
    525,744 views
    13,598 likes/263 dislikes
    833 comments
    thanks recommends

  57. Doors067 says:

    0:42 see her biting her lip at the bully behind the camera 😘 she left the nerds for the chads of bully con 10 at a time, going from just "wonder woman" to "wonder how she fit so many in there woman" πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  58. Mr PUG says:

    Ight! Let’s meet again in 7 years when yt recommends this

  59. Henry says:

    I think bully con could only be beaten by the horrifying homestuck fandom

  60. David Adams says:

    What is crazy and something that no on mentions is that most people in prison are circumcised and there are studies that suggest doing that to children as they enter the world conditions them to be in a world of pain and suffering increasing the likelihood for bad behavior… I wonder what would happen by carelessly taking off body parts from poor defenseless children. There is going to be so much to clean up with these last few generations… honestly this whole topic and everyone that subjects there children to this should not have children, your job as parents is to keep the child safe from harm not to subject them to one of the worst pains they will ever feel right after they come into the world. It the biggest form of abuse and should be likened with criminal child endangerment and child abuse. Would you give your baby a nose job because it’s too big? Would you remove the child’s appendix because it could become cancerous? Would you sew a girls vagina shut so they can’t have sex and catch a disease.

  61. David Adams says:

    Further more why is there no controversial procedure for woman to reduce the likelihood of transmission? Doesn’t it take more than just a man to have heterosexual sex? It didn’t seam fair that the man should be expected to cut into a nub for the sake of slightly reducing transmission rates and the woman gets to be demeaning, demanding, and choose whether or not a man should have a foreskin. Why the hell is it her choice? Can a man force his ideal image of a woman’s vagina on her or society and get away with it? Can a man freely say how disgusting a vagina looks like woman routinely do about men with foreskin? Why are so many people in our society today not taught that what they say has an impact on the feelings of others and can negatively impact them.

  62. David Adams says:

    There are so many double standards.

  63. Taurus Capricorn says:

    Instead of school shooting, I'll shoot up bull-con (if bully-con is real)

  64. Anthony LaTeano says:

    That socially degenerative cacoon comment got me in the feels

  65. nurd on a computer says:

    How drunk is Thor at this point?

  66. Ryan Ellis says:

    Comic books are for children, not adults

  67. StarlightEater says:

    I really wish there were a bullycon.

  68. Joseph Blanchard says:

    LOL @ BullyCon

  69. TechNOGeek Reviews says:

    Bully Con I’m dead πŸ˜‚

  70. ne one_ _ says:

    This just popped up in my recommended… I laughed so hard I farted

  71. Davik Zoron says:

    Incel-con to follow

  72. CJ says:

    Wait I get it it's all comics

  73. rhuttrho88 says:

    Bully Con is not the fest we needed it's the fest we deserve!!!!!πŸ™πŸΏπŸ™πŸΏπŸ™πŸΏπŸ’ͺπŸΏπŸ‘ŠπŸΏβœŒπŸΏπŸ‘πŸΏ

  74. Angela Kindness says:

    Thanos can make half of the weight vanish instantly

  75. Phoenix Chase says:

    I think they confused him with Thor

  76. Nick L says:

    Captain Actual America is now overweight and in debt. That is very sad.

  77. Jason Brown says:

    This is amazing. The Onion predicted Thor in Avengers Endgame.

  78. Matt Erbst says:

    He is truly an American like the rest of us!
    Overweight pride! 😁

  79. Sekai Hunter says:

    Nobody:
    YouTube 8 years later: Hey guys, check out this hopeless Captain "Actual" America!!!

  80. X X says:

    1:37 Actually, that's a storyline in the comics line. "The joke is dead."

  81. Paul nmn says:

    Yeah it doesn't pay to do good.

  82. Nitwit's World says:

    Spider-Man movie did get a reboot. πŸ˜‚

  83. jamie reid says:

    Lol bully con

  84. Mo Hussein says:

    Fat Captain America is the hero we need, but we got Fat Thor instead.

  85. Nemo7The7Pirate7 says:

    fuuck, daily planet bit got me gud.

  86. James Park says:

    This captain america hangs out at the hometown buffet with fat thor

  87. Michael Parrish says:

    This is a big problem in America.
    125,000 people show up to a comic party. If that many people would show up to protest their rights as Americans the government might not be able to push us around. We have a very week generation now!!!!

  88. Jeffrey Dean says:

    There was NOTHING in this video relating to its title. I shall not be coming back.

  89. Akio T says:

    That Superman thing is real.

  90. Bear Arms says:

    Is the Daily Planet fake news?

  91. Doğuş karaman says:

    γƒˆγƒ©γƒ»γƒˆγƒ©γƒ»γƒˆγƒ©γƒ»πŸ˜‚

  92. Capt Fathom says:

    Murica…..land of the retards

  93. BarbillaEscrotada BarbillaEscrotada says:

    this is boomer as fuck

  94. Chana Keller says:

    The onion just predicted Thor’s future instead. Close enough!

  95. Paul Smith says:

    of course Peter Parker in uncircumcised, he's played by an English actor.

  96. Catherine Bland says:

    God and heathen Athesists please bless The Onion.

  97. MURR DOG says:

    Simps…

  98. DevilDagger says:

    We need bully con set up right next to the next Star Wars celebration.

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